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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Dear Haji



I received this lovely message from my dear, dear friend Haji this morning. I thought you might enjoy reading it as well.
DEAR SIR / MADAM PLEASE READ. 
  
IT IS MY SINCERE PLEASURE AT THIS MOMENT TO EXHIBIT MY TOTAL TRUST BESTOWED ON YOU IN ACCORDANCE TO MY PROPOSED PARTNERSHIP RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU OF WHICH I AM FULLY CONVINCED THAT YOU WILL REALLY WELCOME MY PARTNERSHIP WITH YOU IN THIS TRANSACTION BEING VERY SCEPTICAL ABOUT DEALING WITH AFRICANS IN SUCH TRANSACTION, RANGING FROM THE HEIGHT OF FRAUDULENT ACTIVITIES ENCOMPASSING THE AFRICAN COMMUNITIES. NOW IT IS MY GODLY NURSED INTENTION TO PROVE MYSELF TO YOU THAT I AM VERY MUCH DIFFERENT FROM OTHERS WHICH YOU MUST HAVE COME ACROSS. 
  
I HEREBY ATTESTED MY ACCEPTED CONCLUSION TO TAKE UPON MY GENTLE SELF AND TO JOIN HANDS TOGETHER TO COVER ANY UNFORESEEN EXPENSES THAT MAY BE INVOLVED HERE TILL THE FINAL TRANSFER OF THE FUNDS TO OUR CORRESPONDENT BANK BEFORE ITS FINAL REMITTANCE INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT. 
  
THIS IS TO CONVINCE YOU OF MY SPIRITED ACCEPTANCE TO HAVE YOU AS A CONFIDANT IN A BUSINESS OF THIS MAGNITUDE KNOWING THAT YOU WILL NOT TURN ME DOWN COME-WHAT-MAY, REGARDING THIS CLAIM/TRANSFER TO BOOST MY PLANNED ESTABLISHMENT OF A FUNDING COMPANY OUT OF AFRICA. IN OTHER WORDS, I WENT INTO A MORE CONCRETE ARRANGEMENT IN COURIERING TO YOUR DOORSTEP, A TOTAL OF US$10.5MILLION DOLLARS THROUGH INTER-BANK TRANSFER. THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY BELONGS TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER AS THERE WERE NO CLAIMS OVER THIS DORMANT BALANCE ACCOUNT FOR A PERIOD OF MANY YEARS.
THEREFORE, I AM IN NEED OF A RELIABLE PARTNER THAT WOULD COME FORWARD TO PUT CLAIMS OVER THE FUNDS FOR ITS TRANSFER INTO HIS/HER FOREIGN BANK ACCOUNT. THIS IS BECAUSE I AM THE DIRECTOR OF FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF MY BANK FOR SECURES TRANSFER OF THESE FUNDS WITHOUT ANY HINDRANCES. 
ALL I AM EXPECTING FROM YOU, AS A MATTER OF GREATEST URGENCY AND IMPORTANCE IS YOUR SINCERITY AND HONESTY AS I HAVE SOME OF THE NEEDED LEGAL DOCUMENTS TO PROVE THAT THIS BUSINESS IS LAWFUL FOR ITS ONWARD REMITTANCE.  I URGENTLY WANT YOU TO SEND ALL THE DEMANDED PERSONAL INFORMATION’S BELOW TO ME AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS PROPOSAL IN ORDER TO SHOW YOUR READINESS AND WILLINGNESS IN THIS PROPOSED BUSINESS.  
                     
                       BELOW ARE THE NEEDED PERSONAL INFORMATIONS

1) YOUR FULL NAME.......................... ...
2) YOUR AGE.......................................
3) YOUR MOBILE AND HOME PHONE NUMBER…………..
4) YOUR FAX NUMBER………………..... 
5) YOUR COUNTRY OF NATIONALITY………………..............
6) YOUR OCCUPATION.................... ........
7) SEX................................................
8) ALTERNATIVE E-MAIL ADDRESS /........................

FINALLY, YOU HAVE TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL CONFIDENTIAL AND SECRET FROM YOUR RELATIONS, PARTNERS AND COLLEAGUES FOR OUR SUCCESS IN THIS TRANSACTION AS THE BASIS OF THIS BUSINESS IS SECRECY. I PROMISE YOU THAT I WOULD PROTECT YOUR PERSONAL INTEREST AS THIS BUSINESS IS 100% RISK-FREE.THEREFORE, I WANT YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR INTEREST TO ENGAGE IN THIS BUSINESS WITH ME BECAUSE YOUR SHARE IS 40% OF THE FUNDS IN QUESTION SO THAT I CAN SEND TO YOU THE TEXT OF APPLICATION WHICH YOU HAVE TO FILL AND SEND TO THE E-MAIL ADDRESS OF THE BANK. 
I LOOK FORWARD FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE POSITIVE RESPONSE.
  
MY REGARDS TO YOU AND THE FAMILY, 
HAJI AZIZS YUSUF
TELE 0022678430122


My dear Haji,

I am responding to your most earnest and pleasurable message in a manner most suited to your very interesting inquiry. I do not often have the bountiful fortune to receive such golden opportunities as I have not at this time been to your most lovely continent to acquire engaging friends such as yourself. I do hope the desert sands are not playing havoc with the keys of your computer, which would hamper our very soon business partnership and robbing me of the chance for depositing the awaiting funds totaling $10.5 million USD. What a useful partnership this will be for me and for you as well. 


Unfortunately, at this time, my bank account has been closed due to lack of funds. But I have a most reliable plan at my disposal. If you would please to send me a Visa debit card preloaded with $1,000 USD, I would then be allowed to reopen my languishing account and our business transaction could commence forthwith, with much pleasuring. Please keep this a secret from your many reliable business colleagues, because once they hear of this worthy plan, they too will be falling over themselves to send many Visa debit cards to me, come what may. My bank might then become suspicious of much recent activities going forth.


With your being director of a very trustworthy establishment, you will understand my godly nursed need for secrecy, and will not even whisper of it to your lovely wife, even in the throes of passion, which will surely follow such good news.


As you demanded, I will supply all the needed informations in a message to follow at a later time today. I understand the urgency with which this valuable informations is required, but first I must meet with my attorney to be sure I am not violating any pesky international banking laws. You will be most understanding of this maneuver, I am sure.


In closing, I would like to praise you on your grasp of the English language. Your lessons are coming along quite well and soon you will be able to enter any American establishment and make yourself well understood.  Please to give my utmost regards to your lovely wife and handsome children. 


Your newest partner,
Susan

30 comments:

Cindy said...

I am laughing so hard Bailey is staring at me as though something is terribly wrong. LOVE IT!

You have definitely provided him with a positive response, just as he asked.

Countess said...

Well done Susan and so funny.

Natalie said...

Spoken most trusting, and with humor of highest esteem. Woe is we who have not the positive friendship of MRister Yusuf.
Although, I believe I may have been contacted by his brother-in-law... lol

Tattered and Lost said...

Oh Haji, Haji, Haji...I'm heartbroken to find you have left me for another! I thought I was your partner.

Well, it's to be expected. You're not the first. My heart has been broken before.

But all is not lost because just this morning I was wooed by the Most Honorable Bunjemindamo who promises me a golden future.

So, Susan, you want to meet sometime for a nice little dinner, just the 4 of us?. We can talk business over drinks.

Oh, and Haji...what did I tell you about the cap key? Unlock sweetie, unlock.

Kathleen said...

I'm a little upset that my special friend Haji has been two timing me with you!

alaine@éclectique said...

That's a classic and love your reply, Susan! We've been warned here about foreign countries ringing and saying they're from Microsoft and that we have a virus in our computer.

Well, it happened last night and if I hadn't been so interested in Oprah's first show of her Australian trip, I would have egged the caller on. She was from the Global Computer Faults Register and some poor, unsuspecting people will get taken in and provide too much info!

Dutchbaby said...

Aw jeez, I thought I was the only one who was offered these great business opportunities. You must rate because I've never gotten beautiful photos to accompany my proposals.

Sandy Nawrot said...

Hee hee! So do you mind if I use your letter to respond to all my awaiting friends, who write almost on a daily basis? I couldn't have said it better myself!

Susan said...

Cindy, I hope you didn't scare poor Bailey! I've been wanting to do this for ages. These people are priceless. Unfortunately, older people often fall for these tactics. I'm glad I'm not senile...yet. :)

Susan said...

Thank you, Countess! And thanks for visiting.

Susan said...

Thanks, Natalie. I believe Haji has many, many brothers-in-law working the computer keyboards, trying to rip off unsuspecting people. My friend, who used to be in the banking business, told me she actually had elderly customers who fell for one of these. They lost tens of thousands of USD. A pox be upon the House of Haji and all of his camels.

Susan said...

LOL Tattered!! I've missed you.

Yes, we must do dinner with the boys someday. We could have many pleasurable dining experience with them. Haji and his kin have much to learn from us, not the least being the Cap key problem.

Susan said...

Kathleen, I think he has been two-steppin' all over town. :) I would be more than happy to send him back your way!

Susan said...

Hi Alaine! Yes, they just keep thinking up more and more devious ways to get people's hard-earned money without doing a drop of work themselves. It's too bad there isn't a way to shut down these operations.

It's nice to see you. :)

Susan said...

Ha, dutchbaby! I don't think Haji or any of his compatriots would take the time to send out pictures. I cadged that one from some travel site, but then you probably knew that, didn't you? ;-) I meant to add a credit and then forgot. I'll have to remedy that oversight.

Susan said...

Sandy, you may use my letter to your heart's content...what's mine is yours! I get them all the time, too, but this one was just extra-special and I couldn't resist.

ds said...

Oh, so special friend Susan, why must you give poor Haji the skewering he deserves? Have you no compassion?
Very very funny (you are a wonderful satirist) and alas, all too sad, as too many people fall for these things. File this under Public Service Announcement.
I laughed and laughed--but not to the bank!! ;)

Deborah said...

I didn't see it coming - your respone - and it caught me right on my funny bone. Oh man, I LOL'd all the way through.

Fabulous sense of humour you have. But you know, when I read this kind of stuff (Hajii's letter) it's not so much the flowery, effusive language that I shake my head at (after all, am I any better in French???) but that these people actually believe that somebody is going to fall for their scheme!! But I know that people actually DO fall for these schemes. How is that possible????

I'm tempted to reply to the next one I get and see how far it goes. Love to get inside the head of one of these pranksters.

VioletSky said...

Oh, dear, dear, blessed Haji, why hast thou forsaken me? I have recently come into my possession of much more monies than I can personally use and have been waiting with breathless anticipation of a partnership belonging to such a dear friend such as yourself to acquaint themselves of my personal finances.

Please, Dear Sir/Madam Susan to present your friend Haji with the following banking information so that I, too, may become an esteemed investor.
Bank #
Acct#

damn, my numbers keys seemed to be locked.

Susan said...

Thanks, ds! Mocking deserving recipients is my strongest comedy strategy. Haji made it soooo easy. :)

Susan said...

Deb, have you seen the website where some guy answers these people and gets them going? It's hilarious and I would love to give you a link, but I don't know what it is. But here's one you might like: http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php called E-mails from an Asshole. It's pretty entertaining. Don't even ask how I find these things.

Glad I made you LOL! It's what I live for.

Susan said...

LOL, Sanna, you're GOOD! :D

Oliag said...

It is always good to start the week off with a good laugh and this sure did it for me! As a lover of the Daily Show and the Onion I show my love for satire...and you certainly have quite a talent for writing it! It is sad and difficult to belive that many people fall for these cons...Have a wonderful week Susan!

steviewren said...

hehe! Let me know when you get that pre-loaded Visa card.

Susan said...

Oliag, that could be my new title...Susie Satirist. LOL! Satire is my favorite comedy form. A sign of an extremely high intellect. :p JK

Susan said...

Stevie, I'll come down south and you can help me spend it! :)

culdesacchronicles said...

Hilarious!

stacybuckeye said...

LOL!! Can I copy and paste this in my friendly responses to friends like Haji? Great to see you back, Susan :)

Susan said...

Thanks, Bella! It was fun and so rewarding! :)

Susan said...

Thank you, Stacy. Yes, absolutely! I think all those Hajis out there need to be taken down a notch or two! :)